The other night I watched a creepy movie called The Evil Dead and it really scared the crap out of me.

Just now, I read the latest status of flight attendant contract negotiations, and that shocked me even more.

For those of you unfamiliar with this document, it simply outlines the status of each item concerning pay, work rules, benefits, etc. as they pertain to an upcoming contract.

Of course, companies (like United) always want to approach a worker's pay, work life, and benefits with the goal of saving every last possible penny and making sure their stock price continues to be attractive. And yes, they also sometimes regurgitate silly proposals with the assumption that these will only be met halfway. In other words, ask for the entire solar system, but hope that you get Saturn and Pluto. Reward the attendants with a basket of chips and salsa. Rinse. Repeat every ten years.

That said, these 'proposals' really make me feel sad.

Why? Because I personally believe they are a direct, front-row seat to get an insider's look at how United views their flight attendant workforce. In other words, a clear picture of exactly what some of these people think of the flight attendants. And financially, they are doing just fine now, thanks. So no more whining and pleading poverty, pretty please?

Thank God their opinion is not representative of how this entire United Airlines company thinks/operates. United is my 2nd family, and that will always be so. I am sure a lot of you in other departments, including Onboard Service, are just as sickened as I am at this document.

It's really depressing what they propose for the flight attendants. Now get a vomit bag handy---as you'll need it while you read the following. Here's a sampling:

United wants to:

• Eliminate company paid direct contribution to 401(k). You aren't planning on retiring, are you?
• Eliminate AFA/UAL hotel standards including safety, amenities, food and all required standards like, um, these ones here? Yep. Welcome back to Hotel Flight Attendant.
• Eliminate seniority for upgrades while deadheading. Booked in Economy for all DHD.  From now on, cabin upgrades will be done per "Chain of Command". This means that the Captain goes first, then all the pilots, next the Purser, and lastly, those pesky flight attendants in seniority order. WTF? Aren't airline employee travel upgrades built on the very foundation of seniority? How exactly does this proposal save United money? A 2-year company pilot may travel in First Class, while the 35-year company flight attendant will sit in coach. If that's not a slap in the face, I don't know what is. Seriously.
• Eliminate flight crew lounges for sits over 3 hours. Don't worry about this one. You can just sit next to that screaming family over at Gate 31C. Remember to smile and wear your Rule-Of-Going-The-Extra-Mile pin!
• Other employees or vendors to perform Flight Attendants' work. Look, anyone can do this silly job! Just ask the crew of Flight 949.
• PAY
  • Eliminate minimum duty rigs (5/10/15/20);
  • Reduce trip rig – time away from home (1 for 4);
  • No longer pay the greater of actual or scheduled;
  • Holding time only paid after 1 hour
• Eliminate 8-in-24, 30-in-7, and 1-in-7 rest provisions. You'll get ya stinking rest at Gate 31C, pilgrim.
• Reduce Legal Rest to 8 hours.  Bring a travel pillow for airport floors.
• Eliminate requirement for downtown hotels. Relax, you'll still be housed for 28 hours near the requisite Denny's or perhaps a gas station with vending machines.
• Deny CJA on weight restricted flights. Commuters, your lives just got a whole lot more interesting.
• Crew meals for flights over 8 hours, downgrade quality. Downgrade quality? This is airplane food for heaven's sakes! My God, how cheap can one possibly be?

I could go on and on. But you get the point.

And no, I don't give a shit if similar contracts are/have already being/been implemented by other airlines like Continental, Air Greenland or the Kitty Hawk. They are awful no matter what logo is painted on the plane.

Maybe I read this document incorrectly.

Maybe my mind is still stuck back in that creepy cabin in The Evil Dead. And if I've misunderstood the above proposals, then forgive me. Prove me wrong. I dare you. If you've got an official UAL document that disputes this, send it to me and I'll be happy to post it here.

I'm not kidding. If you've got a document from WHQ or the CIA that clearly disputes these proposals than nothing would make me happier. Seriously.

But for now, this is what was released. This is was I've been told they are proposing. And this is what I'm commenting on.  And assuming it's correct, thank you AFA for publishing it.  This information needs to be known.

But please, go and read them yourself (I'll wait)

[LONG PAUSE, WHILE YOU READ THE LONG-ASS DOCUMENT]

So, how do you like them apples?