Today, I read the news of the passing of Shirley Barber.  For those of you that didn’t know her, Shirley was a Los Angeles Flight Attendant who gave over 30 years of service to the Association of Flight Attendants.  Translation: she worked for 30 years to help you get a better work life.

I want to share with you just how special Shirley was.

Back in 2007, when I discovered that I was going to be a new father, I was beyond terrified.  I had no clue about how to manage all the emotions I was feeling.  I was coping with the new reality and upcoming responsibility of fatherhood---and it was frightening.  You see kids, I can build multi-tier website database thingys from scratch or design complex mobile applications no problem---but changing diapers or helping to feed a newborn infant?  You’ve got to be kidding.

In the middle of all this, I received a phone call from Shirley.  I knew her fairly well at the time, as we had worked closely together on a bunch of projects. But I hadn’t really spoken with her about anything beyond work and Flight Attendant issues. 

Yet, Shirley called that day specifically to give me practical advice on how to keep your sanity once adding children to a household and becoming a new parent. 

According to Shirley:

“Each day, you must always run the dishwasher.”
“Each day, you must always do at least one load of laundry.”
“Each day, you must always take out one bag of trash.”

She said that if I did those things regularly, everything else would just fall into place.

“She often gave tough and direct advice, but it was practical and honest advice that emanated from inside one of the most sensitive and caring people you could ever meet.”

And you know what?  Everything did.  You do a little each day to keep things going, you do the best you can, and you don’t get overwhelmed.  That’s some of the best advice I’ve ever received.  And from one of the smartest people I’ve ever met.  Just apply that concept to anything, and you’ll do just fine.

Some weeks later, Shirley again contacted me to let me know that she was going to host a baby shower for my wife.  It didn’t matter that the two of them had never met.  Shirley offered us her home, offered to pay for all the food/drinks/amenities herself, and insisted on helping us make all the arrangements.

But that was just the beginning.

As it turned out, Shirley did much more than just arrange a party.  For the next year and a half, she and I were in touch constantly.  She insisted on regular updates as to the progress of the pregnancy.  She was constantly checking in on how things were going and wanted to know how I was doing.  There were a few medical complications and some scary moments---and she was there to support me throughout all of them.

Shirley was involved throughout the whole process: from how to pick a good baby name (she preferred consuming lots of beer and a using a whiteboard to aid in the process) to how to handle any problems and issues during childbirth.  She often gave tough and direct advice, but it was practical and honest advice that emanated from inside one of the most sensitive and caring people you could ever meet.

Above all else, Shirley taught me what’s really important in life, as well as how do deal with the stress/pressure of things that actually matter and how to not worry about what doesn’t.  She demonstrated how to keep a great humor and positive spirit at all times.  And to prove it, she has two amazing children and a beautiful granddaughter, who was born shortly before my own daughter.  My heart goes out to all of them.

I last spoke with Shirley several weeks ago.  While we were talking, she wanted an update on my daughter Keira (who is now 4 years old).  I told her how helpful her advice had been back then.  She didn’t sound very well, but actually managed to laugh a little and told me she was glad.  She tried to sound positive and told me that she’d call me in a day or so and we’d try and get together in Newport Beach so she could finally get to see Keira.  Even at the end, she was a true optomist who lived her life fully, courageously and passionately. 

Just do a little each day to keep things going, do the best you can, and don’t get overwhelmed.

Shirley, you are forever my mentor.  Wherever you are, my heart goes out to you.

Love always,

Christopher Lee
June 2012