Free-for-all aboard

Source: Chicago Tribune

When it comes to flying, the next best thing to being upgraded gratis is getting on the airplane first. That way you get first dibs on overhead storage, hanging space and extra pillows--that is, if your airline still provides pillows.

Passengers know this. That's why they jockey for position at the gate. All airlines know is they want to board their airplanes as fast as possible because those planes aren't making money sitting on the ground.

Not everyone can board first. When 100 people attempt to do so at once, the result is squishing, shoving and bottlenecks that bring the entire process to a halt.

Not everyone can board first. When 100 people attempt to do so at once, the result is squishing, shoving and bottlenecks that bring the entire process to a halt. This keeps the planes on the ground longer.

Airlines are constantly tinkering with their boarding procedures to speed things up. Southwest Airlines has been hugely successful with its long-standing policy of first-come, first-served boarding without assigned seats. But it's now going to experiment with giving you a seat number. It will test five boarding patterns to see which works best.

Northwest Airlines plans to drop boarding by row and go with the free-for-all method that Southwest may dump. American Airlines boards back to front, probably the most common method. United Airlines boards window seats first, then middle, then aisle.All of these patterns have advantages and disadvantages. All work just dandy in computer simulations. But none eliminates the latecomers and out-of-order boarders who foil the airlines' best laid plans.

There is a way to speed up boarding. Ban carry-ons. Or at least put tighter limits on their size and number so passengers aren't clogging the aisles while trying to stuff all their earthly belongings into the overhead compartment. Airlines have tried this in the past and failed miserably. Each time an airline attempts to impose limits, angry passengers rebel. They react as if access to the overhead compartment is spelled out in the Bill of Rights.

So, no matter which neat, orderly pattern airlines adopt in the futile attempt to speed up boarding, it seems passengers will mess it up.

They will continue to carry on luggage that won't fit. They will continue to block the aisles while loudly insisting to the flight attendants that just one more shove will do the trick. They will continue to show up late and make the aisle and middle-seat people unbuckle their seatbelts, get up and stand in the aisle while they work their way into the window seats. And they will grumble under their breath when everyone else does the same thing.

We have a solution, though the Federal Aviation Administration probably won't accept it.

Open the doors, wait 10 minutes and start the takeoff. That'll get 'em to sit down quick.